painting

I love painting,
It is so calming
I need more canvas ahaha
<3

this escaped my mind today <3

The Nightly Active Mind.

last night,

The dream I had was just so

Crazy

it was intense..

it was scary.

So scary

that today

I just want to be with myself

no one else,

no talking,

just listening.

I hate sleeping.

The dream I had was so haunting

 I woke up crying I woke up screaming,

I woke up because Stanley was telling me to be quiet.

The dream I had last night was just blah,

I wish I had a friend here to talk to.

<3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14r2hFC3J5M

I love this poem,

Its so powerful.

<3

Other than the horrible dream, I am still very excited :D

and I am still very happy <3

The end,

well.
last night was so..
wishy washy,

That is the smashed pot
it defined my life last night
it made me think
"what am i doing"

I feel like this blog makes me seem so Bipolar haha.

Anyways
I keep saying I'm ready
to let go
but there are a few more things on my list
i have to do,


I love you guys
<3

Love

I love Shayne
<3

I love Leif
<3

I love Me
<3

I love roses
<3

I love rings
<3

I love helping
<3

Gut feeling.

You know the feeling
the one in the pit of your stomach?

Mine is driving me crazy.
something happened.
I know something happened

It is making me feel sick
I want it to go away..

I just dont know..

I saw 'dickhead' today for the first time since
june 3rd.
I wanted to ask him so many questions,
obviously i didnt.
but i wanted to.

It was such a weird feeling
I feel so weird right now,
so
weird

Its like I cant stop it
from happening,
its going to happen,

I feel like im arguing with my own mind.

Realization

Oh boy,
Oh man,
I had the best Epiphany EVER.
in fact, it made my day!

guess what it is!,
Ok, ok,
I'll tell you!
I. am. worth. it.

"how come I never hear you say,
I just wanna be with you.
I guess you never felt that way"

and today,
I realized that I do not care.
I cant care,
Its not worth it.
The pain
The struggling.
The hurt
and The heartbreak
Its not worth it.

I know I do not deserve it.,
and I am going to treat myself
how I should be treated.
Like a human.

Not a Piece of meat,
and
not Your rag doll,
I am me.
Strong,
and
Brave
Because let me tell you something, this, is not easy, this is going to be hard.
but i have people that love me, and have helped me so much,
<3
I love them oh so very very much.

But im doing it because,
I am worth it.

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt
<3

I am worth it,
I am worth it,
I am worth it,

What are you smiling for you ask?
My future.
<3

dear self.

Writing, Just keep writing,

just walk away,

dont go near it

just keep writing

breathe

Breathe in

exhale,

just remember write, write, write,

why do you think that maxie,

why,

you're dissapointing.

Stop thinking that

write, write, write.

"when you try your best but you don't succeed,

when you get what you want, but not what you need,

when you feel so tired but you cant sleep,

stuck in reverse."

dfgskfghdghj;ldg

fhgkjkhf'pwAGHFKH

ADSHFKSDHFLSDFKDGHLKDFGH

SDGFhdGHSDGFKHFFKFHD

just keep writing,

at this point it doesnt matter what you are writing

just write.

stop shaking,

you're being stupid

just write,

write your pretty little heart out

"when you love someone and it goes to waste,

could it be worse"

aye, so hgjffhjkds

fdjdsklfhjsd

fhkhj

write, write, write

"i will try to fix you,

high up above or down below

when you're too in love to let it go.

but if you never try you'll never know,

just what you're worth"

just write,

I know you have seen this before

Just write,

let it all out.

just write.

cry if you need to,

punch a wall,

write, write, write,

"tears stream down your face,

when you lose something you cannot replace

tears stream down your face

and I,

Tears stream down your face,

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes"

"lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i willl try to fix you"

write

write

Write

write

write

it will all get better in time.

I love you.

I love you,
I love your strength
I love your courage
I love that you know what to say
I love that you listen
I love that you are there
I love you for giving me peace
I love you
<3

The fighting.

it gets annoying after a while

but then it comes to a point where its routine.

you get used to it. Its almost like screaming becomes your talking

and the ammount that it happens in this house

makes me want to just lock up, and hide

it would be easier.

When I was little my mom and dad would be fighting and i would tell them to be quiet

Then i would get yelled at.

I had this spot in my closet behind all my clothes and i would just hide there

and no one could find me,

I wish i still had that spot

my saftey spot.

I wish I could take whatever is causing the fighting all the time

and just shove it someone, lock it in a box

I would give my life if it stopped the fighting for my siblings

its so annoying, and not one person deserves to be talked to like that.

I smile a lot, but i dont know how much longer I can hold it

I dont know how much longer writing can keep me from my urge.

The yelling is driving me up the wall.

I have no escape from it.

and no one except my family will fully understand the extent to how much the yelling and screaming is.

I hate fighting.

Its mean.

But I love

Leif

Shayne

they give me sanity, or maybe they drive me crazy?

 But i love them forever.

<3

College is becoming more and more stressful and im not even there yet

Lord help me haha:)

NMSU,

Here. I . Come.

whispers, inside

It happens everytime
EVERYTIME
everytime you leave.
I feel lost, and I love you, but its so hard through the distance.
I cant reach you,
I get frustrated.
and now
I have nowhere to go because you are not here..
its so hard..fighting is so much easier when your away
its so easy to get frustrated because its hard to explain things
when i dont know if you are listening.
It is so hard to talk to someone and feel comforted,
and then feel guilty because its not you.
I feel bad talking to other guys because you dont know them
and i dont want to upset you, or have you not trust me.
I hate it when you're gone. But I love you for following your dream
<3

I feel like everyone worth talking to is out of my reach
I wish that new mexico was like 5 hours closer..
or even better
I wish I was there.

Recently I have just been
Blah,
and i hate it,
I miss everyone.

I feel alone.
lost.

I write all the time but it gets me nowhere..


I smile all the time, because i know it helps people.
I like helping people.
Even people that dont deserve it.
example. I would push dickhead out of the path of a speeding car.

'for where your treasure is there will your heart be also'- Matthew 6:21

So you've seen those posters, or doormats that say 'home is where the heart is'.

Maybe in your world doormat maker, but not mine.

I can not wait to get out of this hell hole of a 'home'.

Its almost like no matter what happens, everything bad leads back to me in this house.

Unexceptable.

I believe that home is where you feel loved, and right now I can't see my home. i cant touch my home. I can only seeand hear my home through skype.

I would very much like to go home now.

This week was the worst week of my life.

no really it was.

But next week is going to be the best week EVERRRRR. until october.

because I say so.

*<|O>--<

woo!!

Shayne brought it to my attention last night that I smile a lot.

he seemed amazed haha, and i still don't understand.

But what i do know

is that I smile for my future. Smiling makes you feel better. it makes you forget.

well for me anyways. :)

It makes me feel calm.

like..the cello, its veryyy relaxing.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FtF_0ljECE)

so within the past few weeks i've been flippin through the bible.

and I came across this..and a lot made sense.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

I love how Deuteronomy sounds when you say it out loud. ha<3

Until next time

<3

until tomorrow comes

I seriously hate math,
i can not stand it.
I hate it,
hate it
hate it,
if it wasnt for the stupid scholastic diploma i wouldnt be taking it. I HATE MATH.
its drives me crazy.

I had a bad day if you couldn't already tell
I have been a bitch all day.
and i feel horrible.
I have yelled at everyone.
and on top of that my mom pisses me off,
TO NO END,
'wah wah poor max, you have no friends wah poor you poor you, maybe your friends in college will help you out, if you don't like my rules move out'

BAH WHAT RULES!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO RULES. ONLY FOR ME I SWEAR.
joe and stan always have their way, bond gets whatever the hell she wants and cameron is the biggest baby ever! I can't wait to leave my house.

today was also a very sad day. but there will be no details spared because its not my business to share it :(

I pray, tomorrow will be better.. PRAYING.

until next time.
<3

killin' 'em

Killing them with kindness.
Killing them with kindness.
Killing them with kindness.

Sooooo much easier than being rude.
I don't like being mean anyways..
I like this approach.
Its sounds fun in my head
Like a little song

Killin' 'em with kindness
Killin' 'em with kindness

Killin' 'em with kindness

Killin' 'em with kindness


I do believe this is my new motto:)

fix you

so very rarely do I update my blog twice in one day.

But I updated so early that so much happened after.

both good and bad. 

but im not going to share my bad news my last blog was depressing enough, so this one is just informative.

Well first of, I am in love with a boy named Leif Benitez he has stolen my heart and I am almost positive i never ever want it back. <3

Second, I love writing, and today I have gotten so many complements on it. It makes me happy.

Third. Shayne makes me happy too. Hes almost like the older brother I always wanted. haha. I love him too.

Fourth. Today I realized how much i really like helping people. It makes me feel like i have a purpose. Even though i may not like the person, in fact i may HATE them, just kidding I dont hate anyone, not even dickhead. even though i may dislike them i'm still going to help them because everyone deserves kindness.

So i know a lot of people do NOT like me, honestly i dont care. I mean sometimes it makes me sad, but majority of the time I do not care. Shayne and Leif are enough for me <3

Anyways the whole point of me re-blogging today was to share something i wrote. It could be a song. poem, just a writing, its whatever. but i wanted needed to share it with you <3

looking back

 

open up

let me see

let me help

ill set you free

 

I know you're hurting

i see your pain

Sometimes i wish we never started this game

 

No pause

No stop

No fast forward

just play

we are all worn out at the end of the day

 

No friends

No hope

just wait and see

I promise you will regret what you did to me

 

You didn't stop at me

you hurt them too

I wish I would have stopped you

 

You kept going

You liked the rush

you stayed quiet

and you kept us hushed

 

The bruises and scratches

and so much more

we've been through a lot

and you just walked out the door

 

we wanted this over

as soon as it started

its on going

the souls inside of us have parted

 

empty walking

alone and scared

its so hard to get past

that you said you cared

 

You went on like nothing happened

I let you continue

If i would have stopped you

this wouldnt be an issue

 

I assume you imagine what its like

to be friends one moment

and then gone like a flash of light

but this is on you this is your plight

 

You're not the same

you're different

You're strange

We are stronger than you think

We are flipping our page

 

I know its not my fault

and I know there was nothing i could do

but one thing I know

is that this will always come back to haunt you

sick day

Today I had a sick day.

I do believe I made myself sick stressing over everything. I hate throwing up and I definantly hate headaches.

But besides being sick, I like sick days. It gives you time to rest and think.

I slept some today, yet i'm still tired.

 BOO..for no sleep tonight cause i slept all day.

Today I watched Radio Flyer with Tom Hanks.

new.favorite.movie.

It made me think of promises.

and how they should always be kept, they are a commitment.

I firmly believe that.

other people I know don't.

Shame on them.

Today :

• I though about how I look forward to starting my major in social work, and that I know it will be very rewarding.
• I realized that my new friend Shayne makes me feel normal. I just wish i had 'in state' friends.
• I filled out scholarships when i should have been sleeping
• I read and finished my book
• I wrote some poems
• I contemplated how much of childhood was taken from me
• I drew some pictures
• I slept
• Realized I would need a new laptop for college. yay for more expensive things I cannot afford.
• I kinda sort cleaned my room
• And I finally cut up the rest of the court papers I gathered for my use.

It didn't really make me feel any better I just like not having to look at them anymore....

I feel like not going to school, takes a lot of stress off of me. I mean, I only go for two hours, But i feel the two hours I am there I am being watched the whole time. Its not where I want to be the immaturity level is insane. Your almost 18 GROW UP! aye, people make me angry.

So i realized that I don't even remember what its like to have friends, at least 'real' friends. When I do try to make them I feel like I am smothering them, so then I push myself away from them, therefor I am once again friendless. I honestly wish I could remember the feeling of friends so i wouldnt feel like a shadow just moving between everyone.

Leif is going to talk to Shayne tonight

.terrified.

I mean if everyone else had no problem leaving, who's to say he won't?

until next time

<3

the inside view

Something I have to work on is moving on. It's not easy.

Actually..

Its super duper really hard.

And no one is seeming to make it easy.

"ahh just forget about it"

"just pretend like it didn't happen, just dont think about it"

"only remember the good stuff" blah blah

It doesn't work that way guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not something that goes away over night.

I mean I have the best boyfriend ever<3,

and a new friend Shayne ( I <3 him) , and some of my ''old friends'' are back,

but i feel like the 'old friends' i had aren't really there, I mean they left me.

A true friend would have stayed.

right now I feel like i've come kinda far but I feel stuck.

For some reason when I saw that picture at first I got angry.

And then sad

and then I realized, that I can't do that.

I can't give in to the fact that it would just equal satisfaction for him.

I never really understood why it happened to me.

I don't think I ever will.

and i know there will always be that constant feeling that i want to know why,

why me.

I would NEVER wish this on anyone. I just wish someone knew how I was feeling.

I mean i explain it to everyone all the time. But i don't feel like anyone really knows what i'm saying...

A stream

They are like a constant stream

they come fast and they come slow

they slide down

when i'm feeling extra low

my confidence sinks

and my will power fades

it made me feel like i had to take my frustration out with rust covered blades

I lost my friends

my hope and my sanity

I remember thinking what has happened to all humanity

Your words hurt me

they killed me

they stole my smile

I put up my front

I stayed in denial

The drops that fall

they are not for you

but for me

they are my hope

they are my dreams

they are my tears that fall as steady as a stream

Until next time

<3

die bitch die.

today has just been one of those days.

First of all. DAMIAN was 1 of 2 winners on the glee project<3

I love him.

 die bitch die. I seriously hate lying, drama needing bitches. They piss me off to no end.. School last year sucked for me because of court. the minor who we will call 'dickhead'. well i let him RUIN my junior and sophomore year of high school because of hi and his drama league, i felt unsafe and insecure. But let me tell you something. this year is my year and dickhead will NOT get in my way, and if he or his 'crew' does i swear i will beat them all.:)

I know I never really went over what happened if you want to know, just ask. I'll tell you:)

today was just one of those days where you feel like you can cry all day long, but you just cant being yourself to do it. friday i seriously BALLED my eyes out...

I feel like my friend jessica only wants me there when she needs me

my 'friend' dakota left me last year when it got really bad...and now im just not sure how i feel about everything

my mom is crazy.

and i just feel alone. I mean im happy but i feel alone..

you know?

I miss how my life was before all the drama.

I miss friends..a lot.

its almost like not having friends means you have noone to fall back on..

now dont get me wrong I have leif.

but what happens when we fight or get frustrated with each other?

today is just one of those days where you feel depressed even though you dont want to its almost like you cant help it..

joes reading me my letters from leif last year.

I wish i wrote him more.

joe "wow he wrote a lot of pps's and it just looks like he repeated himself alot... p.s i really love the card. p.s.s I really really loved the card. P.s.s.s i really really really loved the card... I'm not reading all of these!!!WHY DID HE WRITE THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER?!?!?!?!!?!?! >:O"

oh joe. I love you

until next time

<3

college

The more I think of college the more sad I feel. Bond won't be with me, I miss Stans year of kindergarden, Cameron being in 8th grade. and Joes Karate and first year of middle school.

I mean I'm ready and everything but im not.

I reconnected with my friend Dakota today, I missed talking to her. We used to do everything together but then we just kinda drifted because of things, I'm happy we are talking again,<3

So my brother Joe, he is autistic and some kids had the audacity to call him gay for helping girls color pictures. What.the.fuck.

Little kids discust me and how much they say and know nowadays.

aye, now I'm mad..

Until next time

<3

aye,aye,aye

signed up for my online classes today. Whoopwhoop.

got home at 930

Cleaned the whole downstairs

Cleaned my room

Started to clean the bathroom

thought of pinterest.

Stopped cleaning the bathroom.

pinterest'd for about 2 hours.

and its still only 1.

IM SO BORED

so i have planned my day for tomorrow.

• wake up
• go to school
• go to the gym
• come home
• babysit stan
• type of the house rules a copy for everyone
• clean the downstairs
• do my homework
• do scholarships
• work on my personal statement
• do extended research on the constitution

Thats it so far. haha

my day wasn't very eventful today, i'm still tired from being in the hospital yesterday.

Until next time

<3

update.

 So I honestly just have been way to lazy to update this so I have put reminders EVERYWHERE to remember to do it. My school year started on august 8th I am a Senior, woo woo. I go to school at 720 and get out at 920. Yeah its pretty awesome.

    This summer i worked on my weight and reached my first goal, I now have clothes i feel comfortable in :D

My life as of now has its ups and downs, I found out that the trial I was in the 'suspect' was not convicted. let me tell you something,,He was GUILTYYYYY. but no they let him go.. So I am trying to over come that as of now, I know there is nothing i can do. Blah blah everyone is like "he'll do it again and get caught" blah, I do not care. leave me alone,The poem i posted on here 'one through nine' has to do with that

 Shortly after that i found out i have PCOS. SUCK, (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/)

Leif leaves tomorrow :( He is my rock. Im not so much sad that hes leaving as i am scared just because i feel safer when i know hes here even if he isnt with me, its just the fact that he can come over if i need him. Its kinda like when he goes to school I feel like anything can happen to me and he wont be able to help me. Like when my parents fight ,or i get in trouble, what if something happens at school? I just always get nervous when he leaves.

I love him.

<3

One through nine




One through nine

Four of which were mine

Three of the other

And two of hers

Etched into our memory where they constantly stir.



Defeated and broken

She feels no gain

Full of spite

And full of pain



Her heart is enraged

And her mind is the same

She doesn’t understand

The way the honorable played his game



She kept her hopes high

She kept pushing through

She doesn’t understand the judgment

Because in his heart the honorable knew



He took pieces from her life

Her heart and her soul

He put thoughts into her memory

That make her stop cold



I can’t help but think

Its my fault they were there

Up on the stand

raising their right hand



The other girls I know they hurt

If only they knew

That I also hurt for them

because of what i put them through


One through nine

Four of which were mine

Three of the other

And two of hers

Etched into our memory where they constantly stir.