Tonight tonight

A silver secret confronts her fears
A red line confirms her life
A constant burn brings her pain
Shes alive

A past that's trapped in her future
And constant in her present
She wants to move forward
She wants to move up
But the way she is headed is down

Suffocating in a life that shouldnt be
She worries
For herself
For her friend
For her love
If she can't save herself
How can she save them

Worthless
Meaningless
And anxious
Are her feelings when she's alone

Constantly drugged she doesnt know who she is
Who she should be
Or what she is like
She knows what it's like to feel pain
To feel alive

She feels dirty
Filthy
Disgusting
Covered in a touch that shouldn't be
Crumbling under pressure
Running at a loss for words
She's Alive

Mixed in all the yelling
Thrown into the screaming
The subject of hate
She longs for a relief
Found in her silver secret
That is no longer here
She doesn't feel alive

To feel it drip
To feel it release
To relieve the pressure
To set her free
To make her feel alive

Surprise!!!

This so far has been the best weekend EVER.
Thursday I came out to Las Cruces to surprise Leif <3
Success.
I am having such a great time,
Its so relaxing...
I dont want to leave.
EVER

Shayne is for sure my bestest friend ever,
He made my weekend possible.
and he isnt even feeling good :(
I hope he feels better soon.

I have had so much fun meeting everyone,
<3

Hopefully I will get my laptop fixed and be able to update my blog everyday again soon,
<3

anything but regular

So for the past week,
almost two
I have been sick with temperatures
of 102 or higher
haa
suck..

My laptop crashed,
along with everything on it
:(

Leif is coming out soon though,
so I am very excited!!
:)

I have been working myself to death the past few weeks
and it sucks
I dont know how to slow down,
Shayne keeps saying you need to rest, rest,rest,rest.
He does know best he is going to be a nurse ;) <3

I really hope that everything I help him with actually does something,
I dont feel like it does,
I feel like there is so much more i could do.
<3

I was put on depression medication,anxiety medication, and insomnia medication,
booo.
I feel so weird haha
I cant even talk normal , I studder and forget what I am saying constantly
its so annoying.

I dont know why

but i feel so alone

Im cold and scared

and so far away from home

I miss your smile

and your warm embrace

I miss the way you lit up

when you saw my face

we are so close

yet so far away

I wish I could steal you

even if it was just for one day

<3

Little blurb from a poem thats gone forever!!!! :(

There is always that one person

that no matter what they have done, or what they have said to you,

you love them, and you cant just stop loving them because people tell you too. Your love for that person is so strong that no matter what choices they make, you still love them because they are happy, and they cant to anything wrong to make you  not love them, because in your eyes, they are perfect, they are the image of your life.

Sometimes you have to wait for them "all good things to those who wait", that wait could seem like forever. So its nice to have someone willing to wait with you.

But, Sometimes, during that wait you realize, that you will always love them, but its time to move on, because you are willing to put out all this effort into loving them, when they dont care about what you are doing, thinking, saying. yeah it hurts to think that, but at some point to you have come to realize the truth, that a relationship goes to ways, its a 50:50 thing and if only one person is trying to make it work, it wont.

"lean on me, when you're not strong, and i'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for, it wont be long, till im gonna need, somebody to lean on,"



sticks and stones



Myth: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me

 The words you say
whether you mean the or not,
constantly constantly stir in my mind

they hurt my hope
and kill my dreams
and ruin my self esteem..

poems?

She makes it seem easy

She makes it seem easy

Smiling, laughing and getting along

Helping people when they need it

Even if they don’t want it

She makes it seem easy

Doing the little things

Helping with the big things

Even when it isn’t wanted

She makes it seem easy

To hide the emotion

To hide the fear

The feeling in the pit of her stomach

She makes it seem easy

To get back up

To stand her ground

She makes it seem easy

To please a crowd

She makes it seem easy

Even though it hits her so hard

She makes it seem easy

Even though life doesn’t always hand her the right cards

 Only then will they understand

One day I hope they'll see

 this is just a sad part of me

their hearts I do not mean to break

I do it for my own souls sake

I want to smile and often do

except for when I think of you

Your coldness chills me still

its takes away my sense of will

I sit in crowds, yet feel alone

Waiting for the rest of me to come home

My heart and mind feel scattered

picking up all the pieces thar shattered

I ache, I hurt, I feel

the pain is so surreal

I wish you could see

how tortured you have made me

I want to start a new life

Have children and be a wife

But its hard to have a clear view

when i live in fear of you

I dont see an end to my plight

And i am losing the will to fight

I see your face, hear your laugh

It takes my breath, its makes me gasp

You are long gone

i know where you thrive

it seems so wrong

that i struggle to be alive

Trapped in the mind

Unsaid thoughts

Unheard screams

Unpredictable actions

Why did I do this

Take it back

Bring It in

Lose your voice

Lose control

Feel the pain

The hurt

The loss

Feel the way I feel

Hold my breath

Take my life

Let me forget

Stay out of my head

Make your voice stop playing

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM

Feel my pain

Feel my hurt

The stabbing into my chest

The knife you stabbed me with

The smile you tricked me with

The kiss that left broken promises

I hate you..

unsaid words

Im so confused right now,

Somedays yes,

somedays no,

I never really know,

I hear some things

i let some go,

i keep them in the back of my mind,

until oneday i explode

Confused is what i am

Confused is what i was

Confused is how i feel,

Things run through my mind

the questions i ask myself,

Let go?

hold back?

stay?

so many things.

i have to say,

so many words left unsaid,

Im not sure what i would do,

walk away,

its what i do

Pretend

smile,

Walk away

be yourself is what they say

how?

when your

judged

critisized

put down,

Hurtful words

are said

thrown around

like nothing

I hear things

let them go

dont let them phase me

people lie

people cheat

So much in my head,

so many things i havent said

so much i need to say.

but i just walk away

Its all gone

I miss you being there

i miss you holding me.

i miss the times we've shared.

but i know your always there for me,

I see you walking in the halls,

you glance my way,

I quickly glance the other way,

Hoping you didn’t see me

The ways you made me laugh

The times you made me cry,

every time you said my name,

you got the look of love in your eyes,

Holding hands walking down the street,

Sitting in the park looking at our feet,

Nothing to do,

nothing to see

Nothing to do but settle with its over

Why does she do it

Why does she do it

Why does it hurt

When its all going good

Why does it scream from the inside

When she tries to keep it quiet

Why does he see it

When she hurts so bad

Why does he help her

When she resists so much

Why does she do this

When she holds it in

Why would she do this

It only hurts her friends

How can she do this

letting it build up inside

When will it stop

Why wont it cease to the end

Why wont she follow the path of right

When will she learn not everything is alright

When will she let them know shes not ok

Why is it she lets these hurt feelings stay

Internal fight

tonight

she worries

she cries

she thinks

she wonders

who was that stranger

why was she alone

why does she hurt

why does she fight

when will it stop

when will it fade

when will it go away

Two halves fighting

Trying to make a whole

One shouts Yes

One shouts No

Pulling her apart

Not letting her go

trying to latch on to her very soul

Trying to make it leave

Wanting it to stop

the pain

the hurt

the tears

ripping her away

from reality

from life

from her everything

Making it leave seems to be impossible

Yelling for help

Shouting

screaming

it follows her to her dreams.

 

 

Control

Control.

Let it go

hold it in

Breathe

Control.

Hit a wall

Scream so loud

Breathe

Control.

Uncontrolable emotions

Cry like mad

Cut yourself

breathe

Control.

Shout

Scream

yell

cry

Breathe.

Control.

Strange place

Look around

Get familiar

Breathe

Control.

loud house

Yelling kids

Fighting parents

Breathe

Control.

Breathe in

Breathe out

In hale

exhale

Breathe.

Roller coaster

She Holds it in,

She lets it get to her.

She has no control.

She doesnt know what to do

She knows she needs you,

She knows your just scared,

Screamin and shoutin

Cryin and yellin,

She wants to know why she let it get this far

to be there,

to want her,

to know you'll be by her side

thats all she wants,

thats all she needs,

why would you leave her in a spot like this.

blog number 75

I just love not sleeping
all night long
my brain was like
"Slenderman, Babies, Leif, Shayne, death, NO SLEEPING"
boo..
Fell asleep at 4:30 woke up at 7:30
Worked on homework until 9
Made bread from scratch
Wrote a few poems,

I wrote this one a while ago,
But I feel as though it pertains to life as of right now.

The Memories

The pain

The Tears

The Laughs

The lies.

Everything goes forgotten

Trapped in a box just like everything else

Not allowed to be let out

For the immense pain it will cause

Could Kill

You were my friend
My everything
My life
and now you are gone

They say to just forget it
But they dont understand
the pain of losing you is greater than emotion
but now its trapped in a box
and left to be forgotten

Alone, trapped and scared

So much hurt,

So much loss

Too much to deal

So many ways to vent

But which way is the right way

Which way is the ‘proper’ way

Which way will make it go away

So many years feel wasted

So many years they want me to forget
So many memories and emotions.

So much of life

They want gone.
They want forgotten

The last words

The last thoughts

The last exchange of kind glances

Trapped in a box, Left to be forgotten.

It seems that right now,

Life just sucks,

For A lot of people I know

They just make my problems seem oh so very small,

I'm used to mine, I have adapted,

But to watch someone go through the exact same thing as me,

and me knowing that there is nothing I can do but listen,

Kills me.

They say listening to someone is even greater then help,

Why doesnt it feel like it? haha.

I just have to keep happy,

I have to deal with what I have been handed,

I've never really been immature about it,

But now  I just need to grow up and realize,

I didnt cause this,

I did nothing wrong

Its not my fault,

But its easier,

to say its my fault,

because then I feel like I am in control

When in reality

there isnt a damn thing I can do,

Most of the time thats how it works,

lets say there are two people person A and person B,

 person A is in a situation that they have no control over,

But because they feel so helpless, its easier to put the blame on themself,

therefore giving Person A a sense of control over what is going on,
When in Reality it is Person B making the calls and deciding what is going to happen next.

While Person A may either, Hate or Love Person B, And vice versa, as long as Person B is in control,

Person A just have to keep moving forward, If Person A lets person B hold them back for much longer,

Person A will lose sight, of what their goals are.

^ I have been in that situation, as person A,

It sucks so bad.

Its so painful and heartbreaking,

Its a journey of no understanding and confusion,

and quite frankly,

Bullshit

Tons and TONS of bullshit

I always thought I could fix person B

Sometimes I still think that I can.

but to think about it as a sane person,

It's completely out of my hands now.

All I want to do is to be able to help people,

witout being able to help people,

my life would be pointless...

<3