Anxiety.

Today has been full of anxiety.

I talked to Gabe today,

it made me anxious,

very anxious.

I've been crying pretty much all day,

I dont feel good.

And the urge to cut is so strong.

Joseph pointed out today that I dont have friends,

"your birthday is tomorrow, too bad you dont have friends huh?"

ouch.

Im just ready for this weekend,

Im ready to relax.

Im ready for this to be over.

Im ready to stop thinking like this.

Today. Gabe was like "...But what im telling you that the cutting needs to stop maxie"

It's not easy.

It has become an addiction,

its something you think about all the time

its always on your mind

its always there

You cant just say stop and expect it to stop.

Im pretty sure I hurt Gabe today, I DRILLED him

About how he wasnt there,

"You can't say anything

You werent there for me.

You didnt see everything I went through

You werent there for my struggle.

You didnt hold my hand through therapy

or court.

You cannot judge me for something you know nothing of.

You can tell me to stop,

Just like I can tell you to stop thinking of sara.

You werent there when it was just me

when all my 'friends' left

or when dakota said she didnt hate me anymore because I wasnt depressed anymore.

You werent there as I sat in my room and cried until I puked. or till I cut till I was numb

You werent there

no one was."

I know it wasnt just him,

It was EVERYONE that left.

but its the fact that hes here now

that it hurts, if its ok for him to be here now why couldnt he be there when I needed him?

I still hurt alot..

It still hurts.

More then most people know.

And im tired of it.

No matter how strong I try to be I always come up weak..

Im scared I wont ever get over it.

Im sick of people saying to just let it go

you cant just do that.

and it sucks..

I just am so tired of this constantly in my mind

I am mentally exhausted..