Broken.

may 16th.
100 days
Ha.
broken.

I don't know why.
I don't know,
I should probably go back to therapy.
2 months away. no bueno.

My parents.
I can't take them
I can't
the fighting
the yelling
is constant.
there is no talking whatsoever
none.

Its loud
it hurts
it is a pain.
my pain
the pains in my legs
my arms
my wrists
the yelling is my pain.
how long can I take.
hopefully 5 more months.
I've waited 2 years, whats 5 more months of scars going to do to me.

Thats all my house is, it's all yelling. That is it. 'whats for dinner' "I DONT KNOW FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF" 'do you know where my flower shirt is?' "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITS NOT MY DAMN SHIRT IS IT? FIND YOUR OWN SHIT"
My kids will NEVER know what yelling is, at least not in my house.
no yelling.

I'm weak.
I can't do with the yelling
why do you think we dont bring friends over mom?
because you are embarrassing not the cute kind either
the: Mom stop yelling at me because I left my cup on the table. Kind.
Why cant anything be good enough for you
I clean the kitchen daily
I clean the living room daily
I clean off the tables daily.
it's never good enough
am i not good enough?
Am I not the perfect daughter you've wanted.

Im sorry I'm depressed most the time
I'm sorry that you cant handle all the kids you've had
I'm sorry that you can't listen to any advice without getting butthurt.
Im sorry that you're the reason my arms and legs hurt
its not him anymore, even though it still hurts so bad
its not court anymore, even though it still eats me alive,
no matter how hard I try not to let it get to me anymore
Im sorry that those arent my reasons but they are you
its you
you,
I'm sorry I dont have all the friends you think I should
Im sorry Im easy to pick on
Im sorry that you LOVE double standards
Im sorry that you think that its ok to yell at me one minute and then we are fine the next.
we arent
we wont be
until you change

Whats sad is that I can picture my life without you
and Its perfectly fine.
It shouldnt be that way
I should need my mom.
But right now I dont need you
or want you

im sorry that I let people down,
that I hurt people
that I hurt myself
its not to kill myself.
its because it helps
its a release.
an unhealthy addiction.
one that hurts so many people,
one that I cant help

I hate that it hurts leif so much
I hate it
because I know it kills him
just a little bit each time.
and im the one causing his pain,.
I hate it.
but how much can I help it..

100 days
may 16th
gone.
destroyed.
A promise.
A BROKEN promise.
Broken.
Something I swore I would never do
was break a promise.

what does that make me..