Justarantmadebyaspoiledbrat

     This blog is going to be a little different from last last ones, it's pretty much a rant and lots of complaning, which I will never do to anyone in person, people that complain all the time are annoying and I will never be one of them.

    I have just gotten home from pretty much a two week period of being gone. The first week I was in NM and the second i've been babysitting all week. I am extremely exhausted, I am crying over EVERYTHING and I just want to sleep. I have been home for less than an hour and my mom is already driving me crazy, the house is trashed, there is a tv in the dining room, the wii is also in there for my brothers to trash... Its white trash status.
    I asked her why the Wii was in the dining room and she yelled at me, I dont care what you think, I dont care your opinions, thanks mom.. glad to know we live in a close minded house.
   My dad still hasn't filled out the FAFSA which is a nessesity for college and Im freaking out... I haven't been on my anxiety meds for about 3 months because they cost too much and I am trying to save money for college.. yes, I have been anxious lately, who knew? I am to the point where I just want to punch everyone, Im ready to move out and start my own life, Make my own rules.
   I am tired of talking to someone, and they ask whats wrong and they try to one up me likes its a game or something, its not, its soooo annoying..
  I feel like the only family I have lives in NM and I miss everyone...
  Im tired of being sick all the time, im tired of listening to my mom, Im tired of playing the role of a mom, Im tired of working, Im tired of wishing I could change things, Im tired of being alone,

Im tired...

6 hours

early moring wake up

early morning drive

Early more fill-up

Cant wait till I arrive

1 hour has past

I am not yet to the I-10

How long can a drive last

I swear I said I would never make it again

It last so long

its boring and plain

but I get to see my boyfriend

so who can complain

3 hours have gone by

past Tuscon and Benson

I thought that last time I drove

I would have learned my lesson

The mountains and the plains

Speed by so fast

at 90 miles per hour

anyone could have guessed

Finally 6 hours

I have finally arrived

longest drive ever

But it was worth my time to be with my forever

My boyfriend is working

and Shayne is at the mall

Ill just sleep in Leifs dorm room

it is just so small

I am excited to be here

for I have met new friends

each one I make

a hole in my heart mends

5 more days here

and Im sure it will be a blast

we are going to make memories

that I will make last

:)

Arrived in NM today to celebrate leifs birthday early since its next week,

I am excited to be here :) Its so relaxing and stress free :)



Anxiety.

Today has been full of anxiety.

I talked to Gabe today,

it made me anxious,

very anxious.

I've been crying pretty much all day,

I dont feel good.

And the urge to cut is so strong.

Joseph pointed out today that I dont have friends,

"your birthday is tomorrow, too bad you dont have friends huh?"

ouch.

Im just ready for this weekend,

Im ready to relax.

Im ready for this to be over.

Im ready to stop thinking like this.

Today. Gabe was like "...But what im telling you that the cutting needs to stop maxie"

It's not easy.

It has become an addiction,

its something you think about all the time

its always on your mind

its always there

You cant just say stop and expect it to stop.

Im pretty sure I hurt Gabe today, I DRILLED him

About how he wasnt there,

"You can't say anything

You werent there for me.

You didnt see everything I went through

You werent there for my struggle.

You didnt hold my hand through therapy

or court.

You cannot judge me for something you know nothing of.

You can tell me to stop,

Just like I can tell you to stop thinking of sara.

You werent there when it was just me

when all my 'friends' left

or when dakota said she didnt hate me anymore because I wasnt depressed anymore.

You werent there as I sat in my room and cried until I puked. or till I cut till I was numb

You werent there

no one was."

I know it wasnt just him,

It was EVERYONE that left.

but its the fact that hes here now

that it hurts, if its ok for him to be here now why couldnt he be there when I needed him?

I still hurt alot..

It still hurts.

More then most people know.

And im tired of it.

No matter how strong I try to be I always come up weak..

Im scared I wont ever get over it.

Im sick of people saying to just let it go

you cant just do that.

and it sucks..

I just am so tired of this constantly in my mind

I am mentally exhausted..