Broken.

may 16th.
100 days
Ha.
broken.

I don't know why.
I don't know,
I should probably go back to therapy.
2 months away. no bueno.

My parents.
I can't take them
I can't
the fighting
the yelling
is constant.
there is no talking whatsoever
none.

Its loud
it hurts
it is a pain.
my pain
the pains in my legs
my arms
my wrists
the yelling is my pain.
how long can I take.
hopefully 5 more months.
I've waited 2 years, whats 5 more months of scars going to do to me.

Thats all my house is, it's all yelling. That is it. 'whats for dinner' "I DONT KNOW FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF" 'do you know where my flower shirt is?' "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITS NOT MY DAMN SHIRT IS IT? FIND YOUR OWN SHIT"
My kids will NEVER know what yelling is, at least not in my house.
no yelling.

I'm weak.
I can't do with the yelling
why do you think we dont bring friends over mom?
because you are embarrassing not the cute kind either
the: Mom stop yelling at me because I left my cup on the table. Kind.
Why cant anything be good enough for you
I clean the kitchen daily
I clean the living room daily
I clean off the tables daily.
it's never good enough
am i not good enough?
Am I not the perfect daughter you've wanted.

Im sorry I'm depressed most the time
I'm sorry that you cant handle all the kids you've had
I'm sorry that you can't listen to any advice without getting butthurt.
Im sorry that you're the reason my arms and legs hurt
its not him anymore, even though it still hurts so bad
its not court anymore, even though it still eats me alive,
no matter how hard I try not to let it get to me anymore
Im sorry that those arent my reasons but they are you
its you
you,
I'm sorry I dont have all the friends you think I should
Im sorry Im easy to pick on
Im sorry that you LOVE double standards
Im sorry that you think that its ok to yell at me one minute and then we are fine the next.
we arent
we wont be
until you change

Whats sad is that I can picture my life without you
and Its perfectly fine.
It shouldnt be that way
I should need my mom.
But right now I dont need you
or want you

im sorry that I let people down,
that I hurt people
that I hurt myself
its not to kill myself.
its because it helps
its a release.
an unhealthy addiction.
one that hurts so many people,
one that I cant help

I hate that it hurts leif so much
I hate it
because I know it kills him
just a little bit each time.
and im the one causing his pain,.
I hate it.
but how much can I help it..

100 days
may 16th
gone.
destroyed.
A promise.
A BROKEN promise.
Broken.
Something I swore I would never do
was break a promise.

what does that make me..

wandering

I've been writing and writing but I can't seem to finish anything.

It's very frustrating.

As soon as the sun sets my mind wanders

I just dont know anymore.

I don't know anything.

Out of it.

Because I miss Leif

Because people suck

Because you can't change the past

Because I put everyone before myself

Because hearing Leif but not being able to see him kills me..

Because i'm too nice.

Because college took you away..

Because some memories should be forgotten

Because I hate rumors



Because smiling is easier



Because I think "I love you"

Because you are my biggest support

Because I am strong

Because it's the reason I gave up on math

Because people have no self respect

Because I am just out of it

Because people are rude

Because it's a fact

Because I love Leif.

Because it was just one of those days where my house could of burned down and I would be fine.
I am just out of it.

Missing you.

I miss Leif, nothing new, just thought I would let you know. It seems like the closer it gets to the time when I will be with him all the time, the harder it gets.When i'm with him everything feels right, it feels like nothing in the world could bother me, nothing can go wrong. I miss him so much... Our three years is on the 19th, hes not sure if he can come down.. :(

I used to have the most positive outlook on EVERYTHING. I realize now it was just me being ignorant to everything around me. That when something is not ok, it's not ok. That it is ok to be angry and sad, that it is normal. I used to think that I had to be happy for everyone, that I couldnt be any other emotion but happy. If Leif was mad, or sad, I was happy to make sure I could help him. When Shayne was sad, outraged, pretty much going crazy, even when he would raise his voice just because he was upset I had to be happy, the voice of reason. But I realized I couldnt do that anymore and having emotions overwhelmed me. I cry way to much now, When I get mad, I get mad. I don't have that happy medium because I dont know what that is. I'm working on it..

I don't really talk to people anymore, haha. I'm a loner. Just Leif and Family. Leif is my connection to the outside world! I have to work on that. Cant be a loner forever.
I just miss friends.

I am content for now.
I am happy
I am sad
I am mad
I am content,
with everything..

Forgotten..

Oops,
I forgot this existed.

I used this blog to vent when life wasn't the greatest for me. It was truly the hardest part of my young life. Being able to write about it and not caring if anyone read it was a great relief. I could say what I wanted, and no one could retaliate. They were my words, my thoughts, and my struggles. Writing them down was one of the easiest ways to cope with everything, then if anyone that knew me had questions or was wondering why I was acting the way I was could just read this and be there. I didnt have to say anything, I didn't have to explain anything, they just knew.

This blog is now hopefully going to be 100% positive!! :)
I am at a point in my life where nothing seems to be going wrong. February, 19th is my THREE year anniversary with Leif <3, I mean how many high school couples make it one year, let alone three! Hopefully he will be able to come down.
I turn 18 in 37 days. Thats it. Where did my childhood go! Im already almost 18! Time goes by so fast... Soon I'll be getting married and then having babies and then they are going to be all grown up and im going to be old :( Oh but I have to finish college first. So I can be a Social Worker :)
I am currently a nanny, I make 600/month on salary + 200 for cleaning, So altogether thats 800 a month, and its all getting put away for college. College is so expensive. >:O

DONATIONS BEING EXCEPTED

Prom is april 7th, I.Cant.Wait.

Life has been great, and I can only hope it stays this way

Until next time

<3