Passing of time

It has been a few years, a whole high school career, and two years of court ago that you did what you did to me.

Fuck you

For making me hate myself,
making me believe I wasn't good enough for anyone,
for being the reason I started to cut myself again,
and it now being something I deal with daily,
for making me feel like im being watched all the time..

But most of all,

Thank you.

Because in that time, I found the love of my life and my passion for helping people.
I lost every single one of my friends, and learned how to tell people to fuck off,
I realized how precious life is, although I still battle with my own struggles,
my life no longer revolves around what I could have said differently.
I learned that I don't care what people think about me anymore
and that anyone that tries to put me down obviously has no life.

In just one month I will be starting the next chapter in my life.
I will have new real friends, new interests and will be more successful in my life then you will ever be.

So thank you,
For being the biggest asshole you could ever be.

the last straw.

If I didn't use my legs, I would be dead. It's impossible to feel comfortable or safe in my house when all it is, is anger. Mom and Dad are constantly fighting, I know I could just leave and go to Leifs house, but thats not fair to Cameron or Bond.. I am scared to leave them in the fall because I take most of the downfall off of them, they think I just like to talk back but sometimes our parents go to far, and im just used to it so I devert the problem to me. The constant anxiety attacks are getting worse and worse and more frequent, they are starting to hurt. I just dont understand how my parents think its ok for us to know about the money problems, the supposive gambling problem, and a shopaholic.. The older you get in this house the more corrupt you realize it is. The more you realize the severity of the situation..
Today was the last straw.. and everyone felt it.. We all called out mom for being the reason we dont bring friends over, she said "you said you dont have friends". She called out my dad saying they dont have a relationship anymore and that nobodys problems would be fixed until her told her what was going on, She then proceeded to say "fuck you" and then run up the stairs instead of staying and trying to fix everything like WE were, as in the KIDS. They dont understand what the yelling all the time does to us. The constant "you're not doing that right, you only did a half ass job, do this, do that" Its never, 'thanks the house looks nice, thanks for trying" Its always what we didnt do right and how we could do better.
After that blowup I dont think anyone will be fine for a while. My dad is running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to check on anyone, Mom is slamming everything and everyone else is in there room crying, and all Im thinking was, why did I say that... I'm the reason for the last straw..This house feels like hell, and I feel like I'm ready for heaven.

Broken family

I wish I had the type of family where I could come home all stressed out and be able to talk about my day.  Instead it's a home filled with hate and screams, yelling nonstop and everyones crying. How are you supposed to be strong in a family that is so weak. We don't do anything together and family talks are scream matches to the point of losing your voice. When you're watching movies with happy families always there for each other you just think one word 'fake' because that's what it is. To scared to bring friends home because mom will yell and scare them away.  Dads never home and moms a crazy bitch. Putting the two together is like a nuclear bomb leaving the kids to pick up the pieces. Our family is broken and far from being able to be fixed. Siblings at each others throat 24/7. No escape from the reality of a family built on hate. Home is supposed to be a safe place, somewhere you feel comfortable. For me it's a place to be able to lock my room and retrieve the silver secret, to use it , to have no one notice. Home is dangerous, poisonous and scary. How many buttons can be pushed till it's the last. 

When 100 days is too much

It's that moment when it feels like your whole world is crashing down. The moment when you realize you took on way more than you could handle, but you do it because you need to. That moment when you have poisonous and you cant take it anymore.. You need to feel a sense of accomplishment for all the things you've failed at, for all the disappointment you bring to people or yourself. Such as losing every single one of your friends and not making any new ones. Not getting the grades you should have or worked on things your hardest. Losing in court, being told everything you have said is a lie. Knowing you can't get back lost time.  I can't think of one time I accomplished anything worth a penny..  I'm lost Overwhelmed Exhausted And sick I feel used and alone.  You know those days when all you want to do is lay in bed and never ever get out... That's how my life is.. I just want to lay there , I don't want to eat or sleep.. I just want to lay there.. 

Zero Tolerance

It's getting close.

Graduation.

I finished school early,

I work and I am getting ready to go to college.

I had a presentation a few weeks ago with the HUSD school board about bullying, I think the standards need to be raised.

they say zero tolerance for bullying and then they give out warnings like they are candy.

If you say its zero tolerance it's zero tolerance. 

Thats like zero tolerance weapons.

You're not going to just give them a warning if it's just a small pocket knife are you?

no. of course not..

Schools these days...

Drivin' me crazy!

Justarantmadebyaspoiledbrat

     This blog is going to be a little different from last last ones, it's pretty much a rant and lots of complaning, which I will never do to anyone in person, people that complain all the time are annoying and I will never be one of them.

    I have just gotten home from pretty much a two week period of being gone. The first week I was in NM and the second i've been babysitting all week. I am extremely exhausted, I am crying over EVERYTHING and I just want to sleep. I have been home for less than an hour and my mom is already driving me crazy, the house is trashed, there is a tv in the dining room, the wii is also in there for my brothers to trash... Its white trash status.
    I asked her why the Wii was in the dining room and she yelled at me, I dont care what you think, I dont care your opinions, thanks mom.. glad to know we live in a close minded house.
   My dad still hasn't filled out the FAFSA which is a nessesity for college and Im freaking out... I haven't been on my anxiety meds for about 3 months because they cost too much and I am trying to save money for college.. yes, I have been anxious lately, who knew? I am to the point where I just want to punch everyone, Im ready to move out and start my own life, Make my own rules.
   I am tired of talking to someone, and they ask whats wrong and they try to one up me likes its a game or something, its not, its soooo annoying..
  I feel like the only family I have lives in NM and I miss everyone...
  Im tired of being sick all the time, im tired of listening to my mom, Im tired of playing the role of a mom, Im tired of working, Im tired of wishing I could change things, Im tired of being alone,

Im tired...

6 hours

early moring wake up

early morning drive

Early more fill-up

Cant wait till I arrive

1 hour has past

I am not yet to the I-10

How long can a drive last

I swear I said I would never make it again

It last so long

its boring and plain

but I get to see my boyfriend

so who can complain

3 hours have gone by

past Tuscon and Benson

I thought that last time I drove

I would have learned my lesson

The mountains and the plains

Speed by so fast

at 90 miles per hour

anyone could have guessed

Finally 6 hours

I have finally arrived

longest drive ever

But it was worth my time to be with my forever

My boyfriend is working

and Shayne is at the mall

Ill just sleep in Leifs dorm room

it is just so small

I am excited to be here

for I have met new friends

each one I make

a hole in my heart mends

5 more days here

and Im sure it will be a blast

we are going to make memories

that I will make last

:)

Arrived in NM today to celebrate leifs birthday early since its next week,

I am excited to be here :) Its so relaxing and stress free :)